Finding your inner motivation - our biggest fear

My whole life people have seen something bigger in me than I see in myself, a brighter light than I probably will ever understand myself.  This in itself has created a sort of pressure in me not to live up to their expectations and to prove them wrong by not being as good as they see me.  I pride myself on being an individual, on being someone that goes against the tides and does their own thing regardless of it's effect on other peoples opinions.  This attitude serves me well in most things but feeds into my darkness in ways that hurt me in deeper places than I understood until this point in my life. 

I have been pondering on how to motivate myself in order to learn to motivate other people.  A long time ago I realized that the best way to motivate people is to be an example to others or at least to do the things that keep you happy in order for people to understand their own happiness and how to get there. I usually work on autopilot.  My strong inner convictions keep me to a certain level of accountability and responsibility for my actions.  There are certain things and ways I am that are natural, they stem from these inner core values of being a good person, being an honest person, loyalty and mainly from the thought process that whether someone is looking or not it matters what I do and how I do it.  

One of the barriers that I find within myself is giving into that self destructive voice inside.  We all have that voice in us that tells us it's ok to be mediocre or it's ok to not complete a task and especially for  us women....that everyone elses needs come before our own.  Pondering on these thoughts has brought me to the realization that we want validation, we need validation in the things we do whether it be from the outside or ourselves.  Since I have constantly told myself throughout the years that I am not as good as what people tell me I am or that I am not as strong as people see me as....not as beautiful as I have been told....not as smart as others say I am....I myself have to validate these feelings.  I have taken to validating the negative feelings I have about myself by not completing the things that I want to complete and by fighting against some of my natural instincts.  

Anyone that knows me well knows that I am an endless stream of idea's.  I am a thinker, I think constantly about improvements, creative ideas, plans, coordinating and implementation strategies of various tasks and ideas I come up with.  The problem I have is that right before I execute these things the voice inside my head that tells me not to do it begins to have a snowball effect.  This thought process begins to overwhelm me and the fear of actually accomplishing these tasks becomes greater than wanting that feeling of accomplishing them.  I have tried all kinds of tactics to help me recognize the greater potential in me.  I print out inspirational quotes, I have set up calendar notes to remind myself of things, set up schedules one week...one month...even yearly, I've put stuff on my walls in my bedroom, write things down even send messages out to people to uplift them when I am feeling my lowest.

None of those strategies have worked.  Last night a bulb went off while I was mediating.  I am validating my negative thoughts of myself so although this is stopping me from doing the things I want to do....I am still accomplishing something.  I am accomplishing those negative things I tell myself so I feel validated.  Our thoughts about ourselves are so powerful and there is balance in every opposite emotion.  If you love something you can hate it just as much, laughter can take you out of anger, giving into a negative feeling about yourself feels the same as giving into a positive.  Validation is validation regardless of which way it turns.

Someone once told me that I needed to get into habits and so I chose bad ones (feisty little rebel that I am) and became the best at those things.  I understand now through my studies on religions and ancient customs/cultures that rituals are super important.  The moon and the sun and the earth all circle in the same patterns only deviating from that when something major happens (like the tsunami that knocked the earth a fraction of a degree off axis but we wont' get into that...google it!!)

The new goals I want to achieve can only be validated by being consistent (here is the consistent word again) with my core beliefs and wants.  If I continue to let myself down I am just validating those negative thoughts in my brain about myself, but if I create better habits and stick to them then I will feel validation in those things and they will begin to become habits and then expectations and will eventually become second nature once I continue to do them.

There really is no key, no magical "aha" moment, some things you just have to grin and bear to do them even if the easier route is to stay in your comfort zone.  Things fall into place when you are following your inner light and I know this to be true.  Most of the time the hardest battle is battling yourself and your own darkness.  I understand this all too well and what I also understand is that no matter what the universe has it's plan for all of us.  If we do not follow that voice things happen, things get harder and life get's a bit duller.  I flipped my car before christmas because I was doing things I shouldn't have been doing knowing I shouldn't have been doing them.  I didn't get hurt, my guardian angels must have gotten beat up pretty bad.  I needed that slapping around and it made my life harder.....it's fixable.....but right now life is not easy when it could have been alot easier.  There is a lesson in everything that happens to us.  My accident gave me a reason to stay on track and a big ass mark in the timeline of my life to remind me of how not following my inner voice could be life changing.  I could have died in that accident, should have gotten way more hurt that I did but that is not my destiny.  The universe has other plans for me but if I keep on making stupid mistakes it's just going to get harder and easier to become bitter and angry with myself.  If there is one thing I don't want to be when I get older, it's angry and bitter.  There is too much magic in the light to give into the darkness, I am lucky that I have all the people around me that continue to keep me looking at the light either by their examples or their love. 

If you are having difficulties beleiving in yourself this is one of my favorite quotes and if you have read this far, thank you so much and If you only read on thing in this looong ass post please read this: 

Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

blessings,

estroJen